bumperrrrrr to bumperrrrr

I am now on vacation up North of the Philippines. Again, for the sake of anonymity, I will not divulge outright where I am exactly but based on the title for this entry, I have a feeling you'll get where I am.

I completely cannot understand what the natives of this town are saying when they use their dialect. But the trilling Rs are about to get into my nerves.

Things I've noticed, been feeling, going through while here:

• Old people always have to have the last say. Especially the elder woman I'm rooming in with in this ancestral house. She notices everything! She always has a say. My father-in-law doesn't exercise much! My uncle-in-law doesn't feed his daughter well enough. My cousin-in-law is a braggart who doesn't have anything to show for it (on this aspect, I agree with her. this is for another entry though). What the fuck, even my SOCIAL drinking extracts a comment from her! We were drinking some beer at the house and I had to pee. I passed by her on my way to the bathroom. She verified if I was drinking. I just finished my 5th bottle and was planning to have 5 more but I told her I was just drinking one. She then gave me a brief but irritating commentary that the reason why I couldn't get pregnant again was because of my drinking. WTF??? The reason I was not getting pregnant was because I DIDN'T WANT TO BE PREGNANT. I wanted to tell her that the MAIN factor in getting pregnant was for a guy to ejaculate inside a woman and have a sperm successfully penetrate the ovum (or whatever) and merge with the female's egg - or something like that.

Instead, I just proceeded to the bathroom after which continued with my beers.

• I want to strangle my niece.
  

• Men fall for women who give them an audience. If a married man starts talking about himself and you pay close attention to whatever he's saying (no matter how boring or obviously fabricated or exaggerated from the truth) and you like him, make way for your "the-other-woman" career.

• Some people really want to hear themselves talk. One person went on and on talking to me about her love life which was not interesting to me. After 15 minutes of non-stop talking from her and complete silence from me and only occasional listening gestures, I excused myself, told her I'd just go the bathroom to pee, and never came back.

• I need another vacation to revive myself after this vacation.
  

requiems

When I die soon please take care of my husband. If I die anytime soon, within a couple of years, my husband will lose it. So, please, when I die, take care of him. At least, before I get buried, during my funeral, before my funeral, while he's waiting for the hospital to discharge me from the morgue. I need you to be there to support him a few minutes after I die. Don't worry, you'll know, itetext ko kayo. Pwede kayo ang maging event coordinator ng funeral, burial, and after funeral party ko? Di talga kakayanin ng asawa ko. I'm sure hinde pa sya handa at hinde ko ine-expect na magcacanvass sya ng presyo at design ng ataul, rates ng lupa sa mga memorial, at iba't ibang flower arrangements habang humahagulgul at bumubuhos ang uhog nya. Please, alalayan nyo sya.

Pagnamatay ako in the middle of a shoot-out or crossfire between criminals and policemen, bantayan nyo asawa ko. Pigilan nyo sya. Sabi nya, pag yun daw ang ikamatay ko, sasali sya sa sparrow unit ng NPA. Pakiconvince sya na magiging kawawa ang mga anak namin. Pag di nyo sya napigilan, pakialagaan na lang ang mga anak ko.

Anyway, dahil nga kayo na ang magiging funeral planners ko, pakirelay na lang ang mga requests na ito sa asawa ko:

1. Kung hinde naman magiging mahal masyado ang cost, gusto ko magpacremate. Please make absolutely sure na hinde na ako humihinga bago nyo ako sunugin.

2. Kung hinde ma-afford ng nagngangawa kong asawa ang ipacremate ako, don't open my casket. Close casket please. I don't want people to remember me dead. Pagawa lang kayo ng malaking tarp (3x5) ng solo picture ko tapos ipaskil nyo sa taas ng kabaong ko. Utang na loob, pumili naman kayo ng picture ko na maayos. Kung wala talaga, ipa-edit nyo ng konte. Pero wag nyo ipa-alis ang eyebags ko. Mawawala ang identity ko (wahehehe!)

3. Gusto ko 4 days ang lamay.

4. Ayoko ng mga korona ng bulaklak. Hinde ko man maamoy ang masangsang na amoy ng nabubulok na mga mamahaling bulaklak na bigay ng mga kaibigan, ayokong maalala ng mga bibisita ang pagkamatay ko in relation with the "smell of death".

Pakisabi na lang sa nagmamagandang loob na cash na lang ibigay nila. So, kapag naginform kayo sa mga kakilala ko na patay ako, pakisingit na rin na WAG NA WAG SILANG MAGBIGAY OR MAGPADALA NG MGA BULAKLAK NA KORONA. Pwede rin pagkain na lang (na sila rin naman ang kakain). O kaya balloons. Para magmukhang birthday party ang lamay.

...to be continued...

I like!

What little readers this blog of mine may have may regard me as a bitter, loathing, whining person. I would like to change that regard of me. For this entry, I would like to talk about pleasant things. Contrary to popular belief, I am a very optimistic person. I am a member of the Carebears, counting down with them up above the clouds with a rainbow coming out my tummy whenever dilemma comes.

I do like a number of things. I like reading books. I'm not very picky with the genres but most likely, I wouldn't be reading it if everyone is at the moment. Don't ask, I can't explain.

I like babies. Until they grow up years after and become whining, tantrum freak brats. Afterwhich, I like torturing them, telling them their parents died in a plane crash when they start noticing their parents have left them to me to babysit.

I like it when it rains. I like staying under the covers, watching a nice movie, and dozing off eventually, then waking up to the credits of the film rolling up. I like it but I become a ranting bitch when I have to go out unwillingly and have no choice but to get wet.

I like money. Believe me, I do.

I like laughing until my jaws lock and I get spasms in my abdomen.

So, you see? I like a lot of things.

I would also like to gracefully finish this entry but no there are no means that hit me now. So i just end it...like this.

The pain!!!!

I was tasked by a certain certified Enfluential Associate to somehow create a speech that would be given to open a prestigious event that embodies the institution that we are. With sarcasm flowing in my veins (and a tinge of bitterness), I couldn't produce what was asked of me.

I couldn't, for the love of God, write anything that I imagine would be given with a smile pasted on the "deliverer's" face. I couldn't hail, praise adamantly, obviously kiss ass openly and hide it behind an opening speech. I couldn't. Or so I thought. Painfully, I produced it. I would paste the speech in this blog, but it would be too obvious.

I wouldn't want to come out of anonymousness.